If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
you had me at cake vodka
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
