WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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