I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
