I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
