I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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