youre lurking in front of me
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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