Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
