She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
