i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
