Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
