sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
