so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
