Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
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