Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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