I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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