Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
they're like a gay fantastic four
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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