A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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