the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
