she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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