So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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