By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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