Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
