well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
