There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
