Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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