she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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