Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
