youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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