What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
