I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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