a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
