I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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