Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
