I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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