Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
