$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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