Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
