did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i already hear my dad disowning me
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
