I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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