Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
