I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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