We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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