The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.