Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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