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Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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