How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
then he tried to convert me to islam
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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