Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
