i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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