threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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