So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
