the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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