then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I checked into jail on foursquare
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
