Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
