Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
