It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
