I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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