last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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