The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
