I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
