I like my sex mixed with concussions.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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