Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
