Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
