I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Green mimosas i think yes
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
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There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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